This is how you Glendive!

Thursday, July 25, 2019
Article Image Alt Text

Dino Dave’s Adventures

I’ve dug dinosaurs in Mongolia, hiked to the top of Machu Picchu, dived with sharks in the Galapagos, rode elephants in Thailand and won $8 playing pachinko in Japan. I live for adventure. This is why, especially during June, July and August I refuse to leave the adventure capital of the world, Glendive Montana.

However, not all Glendivians believe this. These are the people with nice looking lawns. Last Sunday, about noon I could have also worked on my lawn. There was a better chance of me plucking my chest hairs one by one and I say this knowing that back in 2006, I won the Carnival Cruise hairy chest competition. Anyway, I sent my brother a text, “Any boat rides going on today?” He must have been contemplating yard work too because he texted back instantly, “Meet me at the dock in 15 minutes!”

My brother can unload his boat faster that you can say Yellowstone River. Soon we jetted to his secret spot. A wooded island covered by a few feet of water from the spring runoff. He turned his engine off and we then propelled ourselves through the shallow water with the light hum of the trolling motor. Instantly, as we snuck inside the wooded trees it felt like we entered a portal to another world. The hum of the motor was only a diminishing minor note amongst a symphony of various avian magnus opuses. In the shallower water you’d hear an adrenaline splash of large carp spawning. My brother quietly drifted closer. He didn’t tell me his plan. I thought we were just listening to the peaceful sound of birds when he reached for his bow which had somehow gone unnoticed by me. Then, with the grace of a lion ready to pounce a gazelle, he stood up and my jaw dropped in synchrony as he drew back his bow and loaded an arrow with a string attached to it.

An angel who looked like Steve Irwin appeared on my left shoulder. “Crikey ….I hope he isn’t going to hurt the lil fella!” then on my right shoulder an angel who looked like Ted Nugent appeared and yelled “Wang Dang Sweet Pontoon!” or something like that. In a Montana moment, my brother let go of the drawstring and the arrow zipped into the murky water. Bullseye! The arrow pierced the largest carp I had ever seen! In fact, it wasn’t a carp, but a bigger, similar species, the rarer buffalo fish! I heard a “Yahoo!” and guitar solo from Nugent.

My brother then turned to me and shouted as if he was in the front row during “Stranglehold.”

“That is how you Glendive!”

To his credit, my brother eats what he kills. He invited me to eat his prize with him that night. “No Thanks” I replied. I know that a carp is only a cousin of a goldfish. I’ll leave the goldfish eating to my brother and drunk fraternity brothers.

Next, we boated to a nearby creek. Once again, we put the trolling motor in and quietly drifted in. Within minutes we saw a creature so ugly, that it would make your motherin-law look like pre-Botox Pamela Anderson. There basking in the sun was an enormous alligator snapping turtle! What a rare sight! Then we saw another ... and then another and then another! I have never seen four snapping turtles in my life on the Yellowstone and now we just saw four in 5 minutes! My brothers primal urges kicked in again. “I’m going to catch it.” He slipped in the water and from behind caught the ugly monster! My brother looked at me with the prehistoric wonder in his hands and yelled like he was on the Discovery Channel, “That is how you Glendive!”

“Turtle soup, yahoo!” Nugent yelled as he played another guitar solo. But then the music suddenly stopped as my brother let the turtle go. Irwin cracked an Australian smile as he stood there with an unplugged guitar cord in his hand.

It was an incredible day on the river. I felt like I was on the jungle tour at Disneyland. Wait, no it wasn’t, that’s a lie. Disneyland is full of hour-long lines, immense crowds, expensive food and crying kids. I think it’s the most miserable place on earth. Their jungle tour is all fake. Today was all real, wonderous and no crowds! This must be the happiest place on earth.

We decided it was time to get back to our unkept lawns and jetted to the dock. Just, as we were ready to load in, another truck with a boat just pulled into the dock. “Well, that just cost us 20 minutes.” My brother said.

The truck was there first, it was his right to unload his boat before we could get ours loaded. Well, so much for no crowds and no lines I thought. But just then the fella in the truck rolled down his window. “You boys go ahead and get loaded!”

What?! Did I just hear that right? It was clearly his right of way. Who does that in this day and age? That was sure a nice thing for him to do. I then glanced at the number 16 on his Montana license plate. Oh, that’s right!

“That is how you Glendive!”

Dave Fuqua is a Glendive native. You can find out more about him on his youtube channel Dinodave Paleo Adventures. He can be reached at Makoshikadave@gmail.com.

Category: